From a very young age I knew I was going to grow up and become a mother, unlike the other kids around me who all had huge plans to be Dr’s, Actresses, Hockey Players and Veterinarians, I knew my calling was life as a mom.
I couldn’t tell you specifically at which age I chose this path, for as long as I can remember I knew I wanted to grow up, meet the love of my life, get married and have children.
As young people we all grow up with an image of what life is going to be like for us as adults, we spend hours, days and years thinking about what it is we will do when we grow up to become adults.
I dreamed of meeting the love of my life, he would be handsome, charming, sweet and completely loving! He would have the same dreams I had, marriage, buying a house in the country, and having at least two children of our own.
I would have course be a stay at home mother, homeschooling, tending to the gardens, cooking the meals, and keeping the home clean. He would work day time hours, being home in the evenings to enjoy his family and spend nights curled up with me on the couch as we enjoyed our hobbies. Our children would be well-behaved little cherubs who we spent all of our time lavishing with love and praise.
Once our children grew up, my husband to be and I would be that cute old couple who spent all of our time gardening, knitting and spoiling future grandchildren rotten.
Ah yes…. the blissful ignorance of youth at its finest.
I did meet a boy at 17, we fell in love quickly, shared the same dreams and by 19 I was pregnant with our first child, no we hadn’t gotten married yet. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment, he worked as a janitor and I was just wrapping up college for the first time.
Our Son was born in February, and we were both awe struck and in love the second we seen him. Our lives forever changed, my life as a mom had finally begun, I couldn’t of been more proud or happier.
Eventually, we got married, our son was a part of our wedding! It was perfect, my husband was working a great job, and my days consisted of raising our son, By the time our son was 3 we had bought our first family home, I had taken on a part-time job as a health care aid, and we decided that it was time to expand the family, before we knew it we were expecting our first daughter.
During pregnancy with our daughter things became a little difficult, my husbands perfect job was on the verge of being lost. We worried, as we had one toddler and new baby on the way, I had only been working part-time, and I wanted to take a year off to be home to raise the children.
By the time our daughter was born things had settled down a little bit, my husband still had his job and the threat of job loss seemed to have disappeared. Life was perfect, we had a million dollar family, a son and a daughter we were so happy and thankful. About a year later he was laid off, and eventually there was no job to return too.
Life became stressful, after a year off work I returned to searching for jobs, my dreams of being a stay at home mom were quickly fading. My husband eventually took work as a delivery driver, money was tight, tension between my husband and I was at an all time high.
I decided to go on birth control, I chose and IUD, we did not want to bring another life into the world while we were just barely scraping by.
In the meantime the love between my husband and I was slowly fading, we barely had time for each other, I was always exhausted coming home from work, and tending to two young children and our family home took a lot of energy. My patients were thin, I became sick before Christmas with a horrible stomach flu, at one point I went to the Emergency Room as I was so ill. I was seen by a doctor who asked me if I was pregnant, I laughed and explained ” No, I can’t be, I have and IUD”. He nodded knowingly, and said ” Well this year has been a bad year for the flu, there is not much you can do but rest and let it run its course.
It never ran its course, a week after celebrating my daughters first birthday I took a pregnancy test, and sure enough it was positive! A mix of emotions ran through me, I was not exactly excited, our family was struggling! We could barely feed our selfs now, I was exhausted with just two children, my husband and I were not always getting along. How were we going to do this?!
Panic, worry, frustration and all things hormonal were raging through me day and night. I was not the only one, my husband was feeling the crippling anxiety of a new baby.
The more and more I panicked, and stressed the more I convinced my self that I had two children now who needed me to be strong. I needed to worry about them,how to keep them healthy and strong, ensure they had a roof over their heads and food in their belly. This baby, would only pose a threat to that by creating more financial distress, I would need to leave work again, leaving us with half an income. My husband and I could not seem to get along at all these days, who wants to bring a baby into that?
I decided an abortion was the only and best solution, I booked an appointment, I had to wait a week before I could get in. I was oddly OK with this decision, abortion was never something I would have ever thought of before.
A Week Of Confusion, A Beautiful Life and The End Of A Dream
The week seemed to drag on, in hindsight it was a blessing it did, eventually the day had arrived. I woke up, and instead of getting ready to go in for my abortion, I decided to pull my big girl panties on and make this crappy part of our lives work for us.
We were having this baby, and life would shape up and follow suit with what we wanted, one way or another my family was going to thrive and survive!
August 17th, 7 days after my birthday, our beautiful daughter Aurora was born. I am so glad that I woke up that morning and made the choice to continue on with the pregnancy for I can not imagine life without her in it.
My husband and I kept trying to make our marriage work for another two years, things only got worse, and soon I found my self as a single mother of three children with no home to call our own.
I will spare you the details of that horrible fateful day, just know that somehow the kids and I made it through. We had the help of many great friends and wonderful family.
For 4 years the kids and I have bounced from 3 homes, and I suffered the loss of a second love who I thought was the true love of my life, alcohol addiction and mental illness is a tough thing for the person living with it and the family living through it. I won’t go into many details as they are no longer important, what is important is that I eventually got my home back and we have been living in it for a year now.
I have met someone and he is an amazing wonderful man, the kids and I adore him, and he adores us. Kevan, we can’t imagine life without you.
As I currently write this, the three loves of my life are fast asleep and I can’t help but think about my life as a mother as anything other than PURE BLISS.
My original dream, it never did come true, but that’s OK because the way I see it is I got something better. I got three beautiful children whom have joined me on this journey in life. We have grown strong together, we have suffered losses, and gains together. Each and every day is a new and beautiful adventure, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Motherhood is not what we fantasies it will be, that’s OK because it becomes SO MUCH more than we can ever begin to imagine. I have learned that being a mother is the best thing any woman in the world could hope for.
I hope my journey has inspired you in some way, whether it is because you are a newly single mom who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel ( It is there stay strong my love), a long time happily married mom, or even a new mom. Please share your journey with me in the comments and remember Motherhood is AMAZING and it takes a strong bad ass lady to raise kids.